This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
