Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
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