Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
