Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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