i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
