He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
