I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
how drunk are you?
Several
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
