My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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