im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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