You were right. It hurts to walk today.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
