I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
