i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
