So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
