I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
