I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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