cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
