i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
