I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
