you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
