her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
