Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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