I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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