ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
