Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
