I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
