I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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