So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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