Old men and throwing up are my life now.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
