I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Randomize
