Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
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