Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
