She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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