You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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