I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
