I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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