there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
