I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
