I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
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