Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
