The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
