Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
