the condom got lost in my hair
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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