Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
