i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
