we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
