Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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