There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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