He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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