Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
