You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
